Just The Honest Truth

To say that I'm always stoked about life would be a lie. Yet, I can say that I always wake up and find a reason to be stoked. I can say that through Him I find many reasons that I love life. Yet, there are days, moments, and sometimes droughts in my life where I'm just feeling like I'm dragging a thousand pounds behind me. I look back, trying to figure out what the weight is, yet nothing is there, just bitter cold darkness. I can feel it, choking me, clawing at my happiness, trying to pull me into it's dreadful weariness. It cannot, will not, and absolutely won't win for the Light of the world is in front of me. His light is everlasting and His love is true for it is never waivering. I pray every night for everyone to find His love, people of this world, for friends/family, and lastly for myself. Lately, I've been praying really hard for Him to help me stay afloat for many reasons.

Trust is something that I have a constant struggle with. Given my experiences in jail, trusting Him should be easy, yet I would be lying if I said I had no problem. Part of struggling with trust causes me to become disoriented at times, losing faith in the path I'm walking, forgetting that this path is part of a plan that God has laid out before me. The snare that lays within inches of my feet is eagerly waiting for me to step off the path, yearning to trap me. In my heart and soul though, I know that as long as I trust Him, I won't get trapped. Then I can't help but ask myself why does it seem like I'm constantly doubting my next step. I look back, noting the darkness, remembering the emptiness I felt, and then I find myself begging for the light again. I pray every night asking Him to help me open my heart more and more to trusting Him.

Awareness is also something that has been bothering me. Before, I used to be so ignorant to my selfish ways, desires, and foolishness. Now, it seems like I can pinpoint every moment in which I'm being this way. Of course I know, I need time to just be alone, reflect on moments in my life in hopes of expanding my horizon, and at some point I know I'm going to have to take what I've learned and make something of it. Yet, being aware at times of my reality can bring me to the brink of content and discontent. I used to practice the saying, "ignorance is bliss". In the long run, it isn't bliss, never was, but at the time, it always seems like a good way to be.

Distractions are a constant factor that I am battling with. Learning how to balance life in a way that I can fully devote my life to Christ and still enjoy it at the same time aren't easy. If it wasn't just that, my fear of losing grip on my living situation isn't getting easier to cope with either. It's the lack of money, the lack of time, or the lack of "knowing" what is around the corner. On certain days, I'm wondering if I was ready to leave jail. The conditions in jail were horrible to the point that it made relying on His love to get me through easy. Yet, I can hear Him telling me to be patient, trust fully in Him, keep working hard, keep doing what I know is right, and the path in life will become clearer to me.

No one said it was going to be easy. I remember the guys in jail joking about wanting to take a "Please Keep Me In Jail" card because of how bad it was on the outside. The economy has tested the very foundations of many people around the world. Everyone is having a share of struggle and constantly doubting their next move. The difference is, when you do doubt yourself, who are you relying on? If we really are following The Way then we will rely on Him for all our needs and nothing else should matter. It seems simple yet so hard yet really is that simple. When we cry out for help, losing our way in the darkness, He is the only one who truly hears us, He gives His love to guide our every step. Everything and anything else is just another snare in this life. I just need to take it a day at a time, remember to ask Him for help, and remember that it's never going to be easy, but in the end, His love will save us all.