The Calm Of The Storm

6/12/09 - 9:30pm

Right now, I'm feeling so disconnected from society, I can't even begin to explain it. My heart isn't troubled, yet, it beats at a rate even I can't comprehend. My mind isn't unsettled, yet, it thinks on a level that I can't absorb. My body isn't stiff, yet, it moves swiftly with rigid tendacies. I'm at war. A war within, raging like the seas admist a hurricane. The calm of the storm, is my love for Christ. I'm in prayer, constant prayer, unable to figure out my next step without praying for it. For I am suffering inside, yet, I have the knowledge that I will always be ok. I cannot explain what this feels like for it is something that can only be felt, not heard, not seen, but only felt. To know and understand depression is like understanding chaos and what causes it. Spiritually I feel amazing, in love with God, but, physically, I feel alone. I've surrounded myself with some of the most amazing people I could ever have dreamt of, yet, even then it feels like my heart isn't complete. The only reason that I smile is knowing that I will never truly be alone. I know I cannot and will never be able to do it on my own and I know that I will never have to.

So why do I feel like I'm fighting the tide, racing up a hill, or trying to uproot a tree with my bare hands?

UPDATE - 6/13/2008 11:30pm

As I write the word, "update", I can't help but remember the war within that I fought yesterday. Tears beg to leave a trail of rememberance on my face as I wipe them away. For as you can read above, I was trying, struggling but really trying to stay afloat. Sinking, I could feel the grip tighten around my thoughts, leaving me gasping, and I did the only thing I could do, pray. As I begin to get into my prayer, David asked for use of the computer. So I saved this draft last night, got up from the computer, and prepard myself for a long drive to wherever in hopes that I could just talk to God about what was on my mind. Instead, I ran into Abby in the kitchen who invited me to go to Denny's with the crew(Erik, Tia, & Abby). I hesitated, really in desire to just be alone, yet, I decided to go along with them. The whole ride was spent just laughing about life and good conversations about God. On the ride home from Silverdale(a very long ride), I let them all know that they were a direct answer to a prayer. The trip with the crew was awesome. I realize how lucky I am to have people and a God that love me. Amazing how God works, helping me out with perfect timing. He answered a simple prayer in a simple but amazing way, surrounding me with good people that would remind me of why God is amazing.

All I know is all I need to know, God loves us so much. Answers to prayers do not always happen in a way that we want them to but ultimately, His way will always be what we need, nothing more, nothing less, all because He loves us. The only thing He asks from us is for our lives to be one of love for His son Jesus Christ and all the rest will follow. For it is through Jesus that we come to the Father, through our love for Him, for He is the calm of the storm.


John 14:6
Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.