My Greatest Fear, My Greatest Joy

As I sit here writing, I'm staring out the window at the tall grass dancing in the wind. I'm admiring the snow falling from the cloudless skies, watching the little daffodil seeds floating in the wind. A beautiful sight to be seen yet one can easily forget that those very seeds belong to a weed that causes misery more than delight. It would be harsh to relate what is on my mind to those daffodil seeds but for some reason I can't help. I'm thinking about love, what it means to fall in love, what life is like being in love, the awesome feelings that overwhelm one who is in love, and how amazing the whole picture looks. This is unitl I remember how dark the fallout with love can be. My greatest fear is rejection, for it is deflating when you build up someone to be amazing and then they completely push you away. Yet, despite this fear, my greatest joy is my love for Christ whom will never reject me and will always love me. My conviction of knowing that Christ will always be my savior is so full and loving that it has allowed me to open my heart more. Opening my heart in such a way has really been amazing, allowing for the compassion that I have, to be more full than ever. On the same note, opening my heart has really begun to explore the idea of falling in love with a girl. Luring in the darkness is my greatest fear, choking me, reminding me that I'm not good enough for any girl, and I will never be. The girl in my dreams always smiles whenever I'm around. Somehow I overcome that fear and for those few seconds, I fall into her eyes, the beauty of her smile, mesmerized by her, and it leaves me unable to move or think. She has the beauty of an angel, the mystique of the stars, and the love in her heart is deep like the ocean. Yet, whenever the fear grips me, it is not her that saves me. It is Him, the one who will never let me fall because of my fears. I remind myself not to lose sight of Him, who will always lift me up, never let me go, and never reject me. So I ask, for Gods compassion, for His grace, and His love knowing that without it I'm never going to be whole. In essence I push her away, knowing that I'm married to Christ, she will never be as good as Him, and I just can't let my heart's desires be anything but what God wants. A lot of people tell me I should date, that I should be more open, and willing to fall in love. What they don't realize is that, I am in love, with the One who will never let me down. If I am meant to be married, have a life with her, and love her, then He will shed His light and glory on us and it will be done. For now, I am out the door to lift weights, with a smile, knowing that I am married to God.